Working Through Grief
Grief is a transition. A long slow, time consuming, painful healing process – a journey toward human wholeness. It can last years. The intensity changes and personal growth results.
Any loss that causes a significant change in our lives is a life loss. Healing is a life long process. Life losses may remain unrecognized until one significant loss drops us into a pit where we realize that we must deal with our grief. Unresolved losses continue to cause pain.
Coping With Grief And Loss
Grieving can be a long and painful process. Anyone who has experienced the death of a significant loved one can attest to this fact. The every day details of daily can seem monumentally hard or irrelevant. Things like taking a bath, cooking meals, completing household tasks, taking care of children and going to appointments can seem overwhelming. But, there are ways to navigate the troubled waters of grief. Let the nonessentials slide and try to focus of self-care during this time. When you are grieving, you may neglect your health and well-being, but it is of utmost importance to take good care of yourself.
- Eat well. Try to eat healthy foods. Avoid empty calorie foods. Simple comfort foods such as soup, massed potatoes, fruit and yogurt smoothies, puddings, pasta and foods from your childhood can be appealing if you have lost your appetite. Eating small portions frequently can also be helpful. Taking a multivitamin to supply the nutrients lacking in your diet.
- Take necessary medications. The stress of grief makes you more venerable to illness. If you are experiencing significant depression or anxiety talk with your doctor about possible medication.
- Get the sleep you need. Grief is exhausting. Go to bed early if you can. Getting more exercise during the day can help if you are having trouble sleeping. Avoid caffeinated beverages past 2 PM and abstain from alcohol at least two hours before bedtime. Again if this does not help the problem, talk with your doctor about your sleep problems.
- Try to get some exercise daily. Ride a bike, take a simple walk or a more vigorous workout can ease agitation, anger and depression.
- Stop risky behaviors. Dangerous coping strategies such as abusing alcohol or drugs, and engaging in dangerous activities can temporarily relieve tension but well derail healthy grieving as well as leave you with unwanted consequences. Utilize healthy behaviors when impulses arise. Seeking comfort from a safe and trusted friend, clergy person or counselor can be an option. Also, praying, exercising, relaxation techniques and writing out your feelings and/or remembrances in a journal can help relieve stress.
- Delay big decisions. Grief can cloud your thought processes. If you make life changing decisions at this time you may regret them later. Wait before moving, changing jobs, clearing out mementos and keepsakes or entering new romantic relationships.
- Ask yourself every day “What would help me the most today?” The answer will vary from day to day. Sometimes you need to cry or feel and express anger. You might need to retreat into a safe sanctuary. If you need support from friends or family, tell someone. If you need a break from grieving allow that as well. It is OK to laugh or feel happy. This does not mean your loss is being ignored. If you are having frightening feelings, be sure to share them with a friend or family member, support group, your pastor or a mental health professional.
— Adapted from Grief and Loss – A Special Health Report from Harvard Medical School
Six components essential to the grieving/healing process:
- Recognizing the importance of our loss.
- Telling the story of our relationship with the object of the loss.
- Expressing our feelings.
- Finding a safe place to tell our story and expressing our feelings.
- Having some knowledge of the grief process and grief work.
- Explore our relationship with God in the midst of our grieving.
Unspoken rules of our culture about grieving:
- Don’t talk about it
- Don’t feel
- Don’t trust
- Don’t think for yourself
- Don’t change
Stages of grief
- Shock
- Panic
- Denial
- Release
- Guilt
- Anger
- Depression
- Returning
- Hope
- Acceptance
Grief work is the work of feelings. The following are tools for the journey:
- Prayer
- Journal writing
- Talking with trusted friends
- Joining a support group
- Talking with a professional counselor or clergy (optional)
- Learn to nurture and take care of yourself emotionally, physically, and spiritually
- Learn to contain your grief – set aside time to reflect and feel – GO AT YOUR OWN PACE
- Learn that crying is not a sign of weakness. Tears are a release of toxins – a natural cleansing
- Make a list of trusted friends with whom it is safe and easy to share your feelings
- Break the rules
Levels of helping others who are grieving
- Be available
- Communicate caring and concern
- Support through the stages of grief
- Encourage healthy coping skills
- Help with a plan of action
- Guide toward finding meaning
When should you reach out for professional help?
- Substantial guilt, about things other than the actions you took or did not take at the time of a loved one’s death.
- Suicidal thoughts, which go beyond a passive wish that you would be “better off dead” or could reunite with your loved one.
- Extreme hopelessness, a sense that no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to recover a life worth living.
- Prolonged agitation or depression, a feeling of being “keyed up” or “slowed down” that persists over a period of months
- Physical symptoms, such as stabbing chest pain or substantial weight loss, that could pose a threat to your physical well-being
- Uncontrolled rage, that estranges friends and loved ones or leaves you “plotting revenge” for your loss
- Persistent functional impairment in your ability to hold a job, or accomplish routine tasks required for daily living
- Substance abuse, relying on drugs or alcohol to banish the pain of loss